Duties of a Father

This post may seem off topic and overly philosophical, but it is a notion integrally part of how and why we are doing what we are doing with our homestead.  It's something that I must share if one is to understand what drives us forward.

I grew up in a very modest farm-type family.  I say farm-type because our family farmed when I was very young, but after that was involved in agriculture in various capacities after that, generally working for someone else.  I remember my Dad being the hardest working man I know, and someone that always put his kids and wife before himself.  He never became wealthy; in fact, quite the opposite is true.  But, he managed to raise 4 kids pretty well, I believe.  I am the oldest child in our family and my next brother is a year younger.  We're both married with large families.  We both take our jobs as husbands and fathers very seriously and I credit my dad for that.  I have a college education and law school degree, but the lessons I learned from my father have proven to be the most valuable knowledge I have--and my only regret is that I didn't listen more closely when I was young.

When I was 19, I left home to give my life to God as a priest.  I spent three years in the seminary and was so happy and so at peace.  There was no shred of doubt in my mind that I wanted to serve God completely as a priest.  However, God had other plans, and it took a great deal of prayer, struggle, and tears to come to this realization, and I left.  I felt so alone because nobody could understand why I would leave the seminary, but I did, because in my heart, I knew God was asking me to serve Him elsewhere.

Soon after leaving, I began dating the woman that would become my wife and we now have 5 small children.  I am so blessed and am very thankful for the opportunity to be a father.  But, being a dad is hard work, must harder than I ever expected.  Much harder than I think celibacy would have been.  But, it's my vocation, and one that I live with great love and commitment, if not always the greatest joy.

Here I am, and it's been 10 years since I married and I find myself struggling to identify who I am and how I want to live.  Having discerned a call to be a lawyer, I invested myself in that endeavor, and graduated with a law degree at age 27, with no savings, no land, 2 kids, and plenty of debt.  I am a pretty good lawyer, but my no means a highly successful lawyer in a worldly sense.  I make a decent living, but probably not yet enough to put me in a position better than I would have been had I just skipped college and law school and started farming on my own.

I spend many days wondering to myself, why did God call me to this life?  I find satisfaction in my profession, but feel like the life I desire for my family is always just out of reach.  Once you've jumped on the treadmill of a modern professional career, and the investment that goes with it, it's hard to jump back off.  Student loans, bar dues, mortgages, all of these things that are necessary to live a modern professional life make it almost impossible to escape that life.

We've owned two homes and are working on our third.  We've lost money on the first two.  The dying housing market, along with hyperinflation, make it almost impossible to catch up and life debt free.  My job takes me away from my family for about 60+ hours per week.  While a necessary part of life, I find myself always longing for less work and more family.  I desire to be with my children more, so that I may teach them, guide them, and provide a holy (hopefully) example for them.  I have a greater desire to be with them now that they are young than to enjoy trips and the "good life" when I'm retired.  That's what I desire, but somehow, I feel like it is an impossible endeavor.

We plod on, and continually surrender our lives and this process to the Lord.  I ask the Lord to help me be a good and holy man, a caring husband, a loving father.  Being a good man and loving father in this world is harder than I could have ever imagined.  I thank God for the internal desire to be better, and hope and pray that God's grace will make me so.

Blessings my dear friends.